I can not recall how exactly I came to know about Anthony Bourdain. Perhaps it was one of his TV travel shows… or maybe it was from a fellow chef who recommended I read one of his books? Regardless, I admit that for some time while I was deepest in the weeds of my chef days, he was nothing more than a vague shadow to me. While I had never personally met him, I met/ worked with several of his friends and fellow food network Chefs.
Tony was different. His show was not the sort of cooking program that needed a crew to chop onions so that the big famous Celebrity chef could blow in and saute all the prep you did, in front of an amazed audience (who likely imagines that this famous guy prepped all this stuff by himself 30 minutes before the exhibition.)
On the contrary, Tony was the chef that worked his way up in the trenches of the kitchen…”old school.” From the dish pit on up the line to Executive Chef. He was brutally honest and so well spoken and educated that you could trust the words he wrote or spoke even when they were “edgy”.
While he was not what I would call a role model, I had amazing respect for his work ethic and the battle he fought daily against addiction (and won). Anyone with the strength and presence to continually fight that demon, pushing through to remain steps ahead of addiction, has my ear.
In the food industry, you will encounter a good number of individuals who are not as strong minded and determined. I spent years watching talented young cooks/chefs burn themselves out and alter their minds right out of career opportunities. I watched those who made it to the top crumble away piece by piece and lose everything, because of addiction.
It is a cruel and unforgiving business… the food/ service industry. Guests are not like your family… they do not care how you feel… they want their fish flakey, their creme brûlée perfectly torched and their every request met with a smile and willingness that leaves them with the feeling that they have been pampered. You could lose an arm… and no one in the front of the house would care! All they want is that steak medium rare and not one degree off in either direction. Put a bandage on, get a glove and get back to work.
Tony Bourdain lived in this world for the initial part of his career. His ability to weave a colorful quilt of a story from rags was stunning. When he spoke with straight forward honesty it was something I could respect. Even with failures and mistakes… he had made it to the top because he was a fighter in every sense of the word.
Having time to reflect and read and connect, I had time to enjoy his latest program “Parts Unknown”. The moment I began to watch. I was fascinated at the connection with people from every corner of the world. The show was nothing short of miraculous to me. Words artfully woven from moments that others would find distasteful and “ugly”. Each show would lead viewers to a new location and into the maze of Tony’s mind; Always leaving you with the feeling that you knew how he felt… in that moment… in that place… eating, communicating and sharing of himself in a way that no one on this earth had ever accomplished!
His message was crystal clear! Sharing a meal with someone breaks down the walls, eliminates language barriers, lightens the mood, builds trust and allows people to soften the edge in an unfamiliar situation. If I offer you a bowl of the soup I am eating… In that moment, we are engaging in a moment of complete trust and unity. We are both taking in the same nourishment. We know what exactly the other’s experience with each shared bite… and the shields lower. How can you hold up a defensive barrier when you are slurping noodles with the guy across the table? I would say it is a bit of a challenge at best.
Tony mastered the art of getting to the honest interior of people by simply chatting with them… over food. I loved every moment of his show.
When my daughter messaged me to tell me he had passed away… I was in disbelief. When I found out he had committed suicide I was more heartbroken. There are only a few moments in my 52 years that I can recall this feeling of deep sadness.
So many questions left unanswered. Having no personal connection, I still hurt for his family, friends, peers and for the culinary industry. I had lost a hero. Maybe it was an unnatural reaction… I can not say. What I know is that I have been in a funk since June 8th at 8 am… when I got the message.
While I know I am not alone in this grief, I’ve wondered how it is that I am still mourning the loss of someone I never really knew? Or did I know him? I certainly felt as if I I did. That was his superpower. I always felt that I was sitting right there with him slurping noodles with a little lady from some part… unknown.
The reality is that this man opened himself for the world. He crossed barriers, and broke journalistic norms as he shared meals that would turn the noses of others . He never judged, he was real… honest… and raw. In the end, I fear he gave too much, he became too attached to the world in his work and it overtook him. He could not walk away… because he loved his work… but, perhaps…he could not go on. Perhaps he had nothing left to give, and so instead chose to stop and get off this mortal coil. Of course that is speculation on my part. Honestly I have no idea what he felt… I suppose no one could know exactly.
Tony’s hubris? His inability to be open enough to reach out and share the dark so that someone could strike a match and light a candle. He needed a spark… a light in the tunnel that had overcome him. No one can give everything and continue forever. We must learn to listen to one another… really listen. It is not enough to share the air and a fork full of pasta. The time for paying better attention is now.
There is nothing I can really say that likely has not been mentioned here or elsewhere in the days since his death. I simply could not allow this incredible loss to go without mention.
There are so many lessons I had yet to learn… and now I’ve lost my tour guide. Now who will slurp noodles with me? The world has lost this amazingly talented and insightful human. Tony Bourdain’s influence will forever be a part of my story… as it likely is for many. Rest in Peace Chef… You are dearly missed.